On Being Open

There are moments in your life when you are faced with an opportunity to grow. The problem is that growth requires a kind of stretching, a tearing of something inside you, which is usually a painful process. This year has been one of the most challenging ones of my life but I've met every opportunity with as much grace and conviction as I could muster up. I've tried to accost all the sinister parts of myself and and scatter those pieces with radiance and absolution. I have left remnants of my soul in other places, in other people, and have leaped into the air, across oceans, hoping that those pieces I've scattered across the earth will somehow all reconnect with me in another moment, in another experience, and make me whole again. 


There are times on this journey, though, when I come to a crossroads. I know that one path leads to a known uncertainty, a kind of future that I can expect to keep me giving me surprises. The other leads to unknown certainty, a kind of certainty where I will be exposed to an ultimate truth, whether I like that reality or not. This time I chose the certain path and the verity I was unsuredly suspecting was indeed materialized. The feeling that came over me was not one of anger, but of disgust for allowing myself to be made a fool of for the sake of casualty. I am always trying to face these opportunities with finesse and so I held it together. Something stood in the way of my frustration, a palpable wall of destiny, keeping me on one side, separated. Destiny doesn't want you mucking up her plans by indulging anybody that acts anything less than honorable.  


I couldn't sleep last night and this morning greeted me too promptly, with that familiar ache of growth. The sting of let down was sharp but it cleared my head. I was able to see things from a new perspective and layed out all the values I have for myself, expectations I hold myself to, like a giant jigsaw puzzle on the floor. I'm busy putting the damn thing back together now.  I can see what I want, what I need to be happy and I can easily let go of those things that aren't serving a positive purpose in my life anymore. You should never have to give up your values for your destiny. 


Today I am forgiving other's for letting me down and forgiving myself for my own expectations of others. I feel people find it hard to forgive because they feel they are owed something, they are entitled to a certain behavior from another. We are each entitled to nothing other than our well being based solely on how we treat ourselves, what we are willing to accept in our lives and what we refuse to accept from others. I can't control how people treat me, but I sure can control who I let in. Today I will not accept less than what I deserve. I can forgive because I believe cruelty springs from weakness. We all make mistakes at some point. Little tiny "oops" or really disastrous mess ups. This stems from our own insecurities, our selfishness and our fear of the consequences of being open and honest with our ourselves and those we interact with.  


You might think it's easier said than done, being brutally honest. In the end, you should always do the right thing, even if it's difficult, even if it means temporarily hurting someone or permanently losing them. Respect is more noble than false adoration. Treat people with love, kindness and reverence. Treat yourself with all that stuff, too, and just grow.