Well this is the second attempt at writing my blog tonight. I spent a good 2 hours cultivating my thoughts and emotions about some recent situations tugging at my soul. I wrote all of these thoughts on how others tend to perceive my reactions to painful occurences as cold, detached and unemotional when in reality I go through the same stages of grief as everybody else. I just experience the emotion inwardly before reaching acceptance and openly expressing calmness and clarity at that point.
I'm in the middle of a waiting game. My soul is bonded to another and it is becoming more and more evident that ignoring it is not doing anybody any good. At the same time, I only have limited control over the situation. I have chosen this person but they must choose me back. My love and adoration for them comes from a pure place, a place where their happiness and well-being is imperative to my own. So no matter how this life pans out, I will find peace and comfort in their well-being. I wish nothing less than a happy, healthy and beautiful life for those I love.
Our souls are intertwined, mine and his. We dance around each other's lives, moving in and out with incredible resonance. I feel his presence within me at all times. We can go long periods without verbal communication yet we can never truly disconnect from each other. I have chosen him but he must also choose me. My heart hurts for him, because he wrestles with internal struggles of his own. No matter what I may want, I can't hold him to my own expectations. I can't invent a character for him and demand that he performs the role according to my direction. My love goes beyond that. He will be a part of me always. He is a mirror into my own soul. His presence highlights my barriers and addictions. His light fills up the dark spaces in my heart and shows me who I am, who I can be. Yet I don't love him for any of these things. It's not about how he makes me feel or what he does for me. No, I love him simply for his existence. I adore him for the light he gives to the world.
I have been thinking about how we are so afraid of change. We tend to take the path of least resistance and continue with the same old same. Is settling for a mediocre life really easier than following what your soul already knows is right just to avoid the painful process of change? Why are we afraid of our lives crumbling to ruins? Sometimes the only thing more difficult than leaving is staying. Transformation is beautiful, and when it's time, you know it, so stop fighting it. I must take my own words to heart. I too often settle for mediocre because it's comfortably familiar or because I'm afraid of the unknown. I can't control everything. I can't control anything really, except for my mind. Indeed, I can cultivate my thoughts and my reactions... as well as my acceptance of painful truths. Either way, I will thrive.